Pervs Protect Marriage

The Republican Party put its best foot forward to defend marriage this week when Senators David “Call Girl” Vitter and Larry “Wide Stance” Craig came out as co-sponsors and primary spokesperverts for the “Marriage Protection Amendement”.

A joint statement released Friday by Vitter and Craig stated:
“Republicans believe that marriage should be between one man and one woman while sex should be between one man in diapers and one prostitute, or one man in a public bathroom stall and one other man in the adjoining stall or occasionally two.”

“People should never have sex outside of marriage unless they are ashamed of it.” Craig and Vitter went on to say.

The Mormon Church has also come out in support of the amendment stating “The Constitution should be amended to only allow marriage between one man and one woman. Marriage between one middle aged man and five 13-year old girls one of whom is the one man's niece is an issue of religious freedom already covered by the first amendment.”

Barak Obama Taps Dalai Lama

In a move sure to solidify his anti-war base while at the same time providing fodder for his critics, Barak Obama selected His Holiness the Dalai Lama as his vice-presidential running mate.

The decision surprised many who expected Obama to pick a strong pro-military candidate to shore up his tough-guy image especially in light of McCain’s recent well-received campaign promise to rip open the chests of our enemies and eat their still-beating hearts.

Pundit Sean Hannity believes Obama’s choice can only help McCain. “Obama has picked a gay cross-dressing commie peace-nik Buddhist Islamo-facist terrorist as a running mate and I think the American people will have something to say about that.”

“Yes, the Dalai Lama has his negatives,” admitted Obama advisor David Axelrod, “there is the whole man-of-peace saffron robe thing not to mention those glasses. But we feel that this will be offset by the strong ‘brand appeal’ of an Obama/Lama ticket.

Axelrod went on to announce that a group of grassroot supporters, the Obama/Lama Mamas, are launching an informational campaign to help familiarize voters with the new ticket. “We’ll be meeting neighbors door-to-door,” said Obama/Lama Mama Emma Amarra, “We’re calling it ‘Obamalama Ding Dong’.”

Gays Marry; Sky Falls

CALIFORNIA -- On the first day that same sex marriage became legal in California, what promised to be a summer of fabulous weddings was disrupted when the sky abruptly fell.

Newlyweds Bradley and Stephen who were one of the first couples to marry under the new law were startled by the catastrophe. “Something was falling on my head and I thought it was the floral wedding arch which was, by the way, very tasteful,” commented Bradley. “But then, Oh my Goodnes! Ouch!” added Stephen.

Bradley and Stephen, it turns out, were lucky. From around the State there were reports of lakes of fire, sulphorous fumes, fissures opening up in the earth and swallowing the damned and at least one plague of locusts. “It was literally of Biblical proportions” according to the Governor who declared a state of emergency.

“Yea, there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth.” Stephen pointed out. “Which was unfortunate because it was right at the point in the ceremony when the singer was supposed to do “Evergreen.”

“There are simply not enough ways to say I told you so.” Commented James Dobson of Focus on the Family who has long warned of the dire consequences of gay marriage. “They opened up that Golden Gate and Satan said 'California here I come!'.”

Bradley explained that Satan actually officiated the wedding, “which was awesome for us because he was really in demand!”

“Though I’m not sure what he was thinking with that Argyle sweater vest, but whatever.” added Stephen.

When asked about reports of non-sinners being cast into the abyss along with the God-forsaken sodomites, Dobson replied “If Katrina and the AIDS epidemic taught us anything it is that God’s wrath is a blunt instrument. Don’t stand near gays next time.”

As for Stephen and Bradley, what of their special day? “It was absolutely glamorous and wonderful up until the moment that God saw fit to rain down chastisement. But even though it didn’t turn out like we planned, it was definitely memorable!” observed Stephen. And for the honeymoon? According to Bradley “Believe it or not we had planned a trip to Hawaii Volcanoes National Park but after everything that has happened we’re thinking of changing to an Alaskan cruise.”

Satirists Decry Presidential Self-Satirizing

The Guild of American Satirists denounced President Bush this week for Self- Satire. “As you know, unemployment is soaring and we don’t need the President of all people, taking the jobs of honest hard-working satirists.” Said GAS spokesperson Joe Kisanyou.

At issue were statements made by the President on his recent European Tour. “He actually claimed he wanted to ‘leave a legacy of diplomacy.’" Kisanyou reported angrily. "He was concerned that people think he is, as he put it, 'a guy really anxious for war.' Bush said, and I quote, 'I think that in retrospect I could have used a different tone, a different rhetoric. Bring them on and dead or alive, might have indicated to people that I was, you know, not a man of peace. '"

“I ask you, what is a satirist going to do with that? Nothing, that’s what! There is absolutely no further any of us could go. Bush is doing it all himself and there is no work left for the professionals.” Kisanyou concluded.

Some, however, feel that satirists should accept some of the blame. “Bush has made our job so easy for the last 7 years and I think we got complacent. We didn’t notice the President slowly becoming completely unmoored from reality, with the result that now he has, in effect, become his own satirist and we are out of work.” Said GAS member I. Ron Ickley. “I honestly don’t think he knows he’s doing it but it is still very damaging to our profession.”

Lieberman Sews Self to McCain

Senator Joe Lieberman, long a zealous cheerleader for Republican presidential candidate John McCain, took his support to a new level this weekend when he sewed himself to McCain’s pants leg. “Senator McCain and I have worked closely in the past, but now we are really, really close.” reported a jubilant Lieberman.

Senator McCain took a few days to notice the change. “I realized that he was always there…even more than usual,” McCain admitted, chuckling, “I mean even when I go to the bathroom there he is!”

“I’m like his ‘mini-me’!” Senator Lieberman chimed in.

Later Senator McCain, in a more somber mood, indicated that he wasn’t sure that this would prove a prudent long-term campaign strategy. “It may become awkward when it comes time to pick a running mate,” he confessed, “who will, I’m afraid, need to be an actual Republican.”

“But John I just can’t quit you!” wailed Lieberman.

Candidates Agree: Iran Gonna Git Yo’ Mama

Presumtive presidential nominees for the Republican and Democratic parties John McCain and Barak Obama may not agree on much but the both say Iran “gonna git yo’ mama.”

Speaking on the campaign trail Wednesday McCain said “My friends, make no mistake, Iran gonna git yo’ mama.” And later that same day in a rally in Virginia Obama told the capacity crowd “Can Iran git yo” mama? I say, yes he can.”

President Bush agreed with both candidates. “You gotta understand, Iran gonna git yo’ mama. What I mean is…uh…in other words, Iran gonna git yo’ mama.”

UN IAEA director Muhammed ElBaradei expressed a different opinion claiming “There is no evidence that Iran gonna git yo’ mama.” This view was supported by the U.S. Nation Intelligence Estimate which reported “Iran has long-since given up its program to git yo’ mama.”

President Bush dismissed both ElBaradei and the NIE saying “That’s what they said about Iraq and who was right!”